I love having my husband share his point of view with our infertility journey. I think this is a perspective that we just don’t get to see enough. He is always able to just bring me to tears, and not just cause he says such nice things about me.
It’s become much easier to cope with the idea of infertility, at least it has for me. I would never wish to make light of the struggle that my wife deals with on a daily basis as she hates her own body for denying her something that wants with all her heart… children.
I say that it has become easier for me because, before Nicole, I didn’t want kids. I had no desire to be a Dad, the idea of it terrified me. I was barely able to take care of myself let alone take care of a miniature me. (If you ask Nicole she would say I wasn’t even capable of taking care of myself.)
I have a God-Daughter that I adore and that was enough for me. I planned on doting on her, being the favorite Uncle and the best God-Father I could be. I fully intended to torture my brother and his wife by supplying my niece with a lot of sugar and some annoying noisy toys and then sending her home! Yes, I was going to be that guy; and I was content with that.
Then Nicole came into my life, and you all know that story, and she changed everything for me. I could see myself with kids of my own. Two boys and two girls…
Liam, the prince charming, always deft with politeness and manners. The protector, just like Dad.
Matrim, who will hate me for naming him as I did, but less I think than Liam because of his initials. But my little mischievous Matrim, always with the pranks and misbehaving, but a heart as big as any.
Evelyn, my little princess, always prim and proper. She will want to learn the piano and take ballet lessens. I have no doubt that she will have me wrapped around her finger the minute she is born.
And Quinn, my darling Quinn, will be the biggest pain in my butt. She will run and climb and do all the things the boys do. She will work on the car or truck with Daddy. I will teach her everything I know, and she will be smarter than ever I could be.
These kids, my kids, are so ingrained in my heart that I see their faces, hear their laughs and melt at their smiles. Even as the likelihood of their births grow fainter and fainter, their images remain just as strong and whole as ever.
Nicole asks me if I resent her, or am mad because she can’t give me the kids we so often talk about and dream of. She doesn’t understand that I can look at her and be filled with love and joy, even knowing that we only have a 0.9% chance of conceiving a baby. I think what she doesn’t understand is that without her, there are no babies because without her there is no future.
Without my dearest wife, there is no me. How could I ever hold it against her that she is, for lack of a better term, barren? I can’t, I won’t, I couldn’t blame her, not ever. We have talked and heard the stories about women who have tried IFV therapy, and the consequences of those decisions, as well as hormones and drugs.
IFV for people with PCOS is not very effective, as you don’t produce the eggs to begin with, so harvesting viable eggs are damn near impossible.
She tried the hormones and drugs when she and her ex-husband wanted to conceive and the stories she tells me about what it did to her mentally and physically breaks my heart. I will not allow her to do that to herself again, I will not.
Whenever we go down the rabbit hole of kids it always ends up with her in my arms, sad and feeling like a failure. I wish there was more I could do than just telling her that I am okay, I do not blame her and I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. I tell her, “There are far worse fates than this,” and I mean it completely. We are blessed with love and an understanding of each other that fewer and fewer couples possess. I have her, and that is enough for me.
We talk about adoption… I feel very gray about adoption. People say that you will love them the same and that I would be an amazing Father, but I feel such reservations. These reservations are not on my behalf but on that of the child. What if I don’t love it completely, what if I do treat them differently?
That isn’t right, they don’t deserve that. I’m scared that I wouldn’t be good enough. Nicole keeps talking about it, and honestly the more she nudges me in that direction, the more I want to sink my heels in and resist. She doesn’t want to push me or force me to make a decision, but she yearns for a kid so badly.
I just don’t know… I’d rather not be a Father than be a bad one.